1 post tagged “thoughts”

It has been 86 days since my son left us for heaven.  I still have a hard time using the word died.  That has such a finality that I guess I am not ready to mentally process yet.  Ryan was a 29 year old US Marine full of life, which is why I spent so much time taking him to hospitals from injuries, sneaking in a Big Mac as he spent several days in jail for tickets, or trying to straighten up my credit damaged when I co-signed a car loan or an apartment lease for him.  I knew some of his friends as they all came over to the house.  Bonnie, my wife, knew them better than I did and would sit in the backyard with them as they had a beer and shared their experiences.  I wish I had gotten to know Ryan more as an adult.  He was…and still always will be my little curly haired blond little boy.  He was my little cub scout.  Even then he was full of mischief.  A trait he never grew out of.  I still can close my eyes and see his crooked smile…his eyes full of fun and wonder.  He loved Christmas, especially my wife’s incredible turkey, gravy and stuffing.  On his last birthday, June 19^th, he had asked Bonnie for her special turkey dinner instead of a birthday present.  My wife Bonnie, who is dealing with the after effects of massive brain surgery last year, did feel up to making her turkey for him.  It is a big job doing all that cooking.  I know she wishes she could go back in time and make him his favorite dinner.  It almost feels unreal that he is gone.  Almost like any moment he will call me here at work on nightshift to ask me to come over and fix something at his apartment or with his vehicle…or to tell me about an upcoming fight with MMA…or to ask me questions about the Bible.  God knows how much I miss that.  I stay pretty busy between work, sleep and doing stuff  around the house.  It is in those down times when I think about Ryan….like now, that the protective walls fall away and a great sadness envelops me.  Sometimes I can’t help but weep…and I know that that release is a good thing.  My wife has had it incredibly hard.  Last year she was diagnosed with a 4.7cm acoustic neuroma ( brain tumor) and had to have surgery at the Fort Worth Brain and Spine Center/Harris Hospital.  The 13 hour surgery left her with stroke like effects on her left side.  The cranial pain is continuous and has required massive pain blockers.  Loss of balance, inability for her left eye to tear..and now dental problems caused by the lack of salvia production.  She calls the brain tumor…the gift that keeps on giving.  Now last week, we find out that she has kidney cancer.  Both kidneys have tumors.  The one on her left side is huge (4 cm) and so they will remove her kidney right after Thanksgiving to avoid a rupture.  I don’t know what they can do for the other kidney tumor.  My mind cannot fathom what I will do if my wife of 33 years is taken from me.  Already the weight of grief and pain is almost overpowering.  Over the years Bonnie and I have drifted farther and farther away from each other.  Sometimes I feel that there is nothing I can do to please her.  She seems to find fault in everything I do.  Any yet she is so much a part of me, I feel like I could not survive this world without her.  I don’t think she can understand how much I love her.  Old hurts, resentments and unforgiveness … make a barrier in not only expressing love and compassion…but being able to feel it from others.  I think we start to feel comfortable in our wounded state for so long that we are not sure what normal is anymore.  Like a bird that does not fly, it has limited itself.  Without love, we limit ourselves from the way we were originally created to live.  I wish she knew what an impact just a smile…a kind word…a touch of compassion or a hug…can have on my day, when it comes from her.  After the loss of my son, life without my Bonnie would be a sadness and darkness that would smother the light of my life.